Reflections by Susie Wee

If you’re like me and many other people in the world, you were not born with the ability to talk in groups. You might be kind of quiet or shy. You might think that you don’t have anything important to add to a discussion. The thought of talking might make you a bit nervous. Or, you might not know how to interject in a lively fast-paced discussion.

In fact, you might have been trained to *not* talk in groups. You might have been trained to not say things unless you know they are 100% correct and validated with a rigorous background check. You might have been trained to not say something unless it makes a significant contribution over prior knowledge. You might have been implicitly trained in school into thinking that people who talk a lot in groups (class) are annoying. Your culture might speak against talking too much. As a result, you might even be at the point where you have decided that talking in groups is not your talent and not your style.

WARNING: Taking the approach of not talking in groups can be a career-limiting move. For career growth, it is important to be able to talk in groups to let your opinions be known and to influence discussions and decisions. It’s also important to let people know who you are, what you’re interested in, what you know, what you need, what you’re good at, and what they can come to you for.

This post is dedicated to the quiet people out there. An important first step to learning how to talk in groups is to believe that it’s important. Here are a few reasons on why it’s important.

So, here are my Top 10 tips for how to talk in groups for quiet people.

1. Say it, even if it’s incremental. You don’t have to wait until you have a monumental contribution to the conversation. If you are quiet, you will probably have a tendency to discount the importance of your own ideas and not say anything. You should remember that your insights are just as valuable as those of talkative people.
2. Say it, even if it’s obvious. There are times when it is useful to say things that are obvious to you and/or obvious to the group. One reason is because some things that are obvious to you are not always obvious to others- you’d be surprised at how often this is true. Also, saying obvious things plays the important role of setting the ground truth in the discussion. It also gives people the chance to agree or disagree, and if they agree it can be used as a baseboard of common understanding.
3. Say things to let people know your interests and passions. If you find the conversation or topic interesting, they should know since there may be follow on actions or opportunities that result. If you register someone’s interest in a topic, then you will know to contact them in the future when something comes up.
4. Say things to let people know what areas you are knowledgeable in. It’s important for you to let other people know what areas you have expertise in and what areas they can call on you for. Your knowledge is one of your biggest assets in the working world.
5. Say things to let people know where you stand on things. Sometimes it is useful to let people know what you agree and disagree with. Note that staying quiet on something that you disagree with can imply that you agree with it.
6. Say things that have already been said. Sometimes it is useful to repeat something that was already said. Don’t worry, the repetition is not a waste of time. Rather, it has the purpose of sending a signal of agreement which in turn reinforces the point in the group discussion.
7. Say things to move the discussion towards topics that are more interesting and useful to you and the group. We’ve all been in group discussions that have wandered away from the original purpose. Chances are that if you think the discussion should be changed in a certain way, then other people do too.
8. Say things to help support other people’s points. It helps establish the ground truth in the discussion… and the other person will appreciate it.
9. Create a little space for yourself in a discussion with an overly talkative talker by saying “I have a story”. Even if someone makes a point that interrupts the story, then get back to the story.
10. Help another quiet person by giving them an avenue to talk. For example, you can say “Joe had some experience with xxxx. Joe, what do you think about this?”
11. Bonus tip: Relax and have fun! You can make it a game to try to say things that positively influence the direction of a discussion. You can practice with every group discussion you are in, whether the group has 3, 30, or even 300 people.
12. Ask clarifying questions. If you’re confused, you’re probably not alone. Also, asking clarifying questions helps encourage further discussion.
13. Say it, even if there are senior people around. You might have grown up in a culture that has taught you to not speak when there are elders or more senior-level people around. Well, times have changed and it’s important to speak up. Senior-level people are always on the lookout for good leaders to come up with new ideas and carry them forward, so they want to hear from junior-level people. By talking, you have a chance to make it clear that you are one of those leaders! And, you can still be respectful when you talk, which will keep you aligned with your culture. 

I plan to refine this list over time, so I’d love to hear you feedback.

Which tips are meaningful to you? Which tips are not? (Reminder: Learing is personal.)
Which tips do you disagree with?
Which are your most and least favorite tips?
Do you have a tip to add to the list?
Which tip should I remove to make room for a new one?

Tags: top 10 tips, how to talk, group discussions, talking tips, quiet, nervous, career advice, HP

Please feel free to leave a URL in your comments.

An important first step in learning how to talk in groups is understanding why people talk in groups. The first set of reasons are obvious. The second set are not so obvious.

Why do you talk in groups?

• To contribute information to the topic being discussed.
• To influence the topic being discussed.
• To impact decisions being made in the discussion.

Why else do you talk in groups?

• To let people get to know you, both technically and personally.
• To let people know what areas you are knowledgeable about.
• To let people know that you’re engaged and interested in the discussion.
• To let people know your interest level on a particular topic.
• To direct or redirect the discussion into a more useful and interesting discussion.
• If you don’t talk, people might assume you are: not interested, aloof, judgemental, dumb, or snobby. (It’s amazing to see what conclusions people come to about quiet people!)

Are these reasons obvious or not-so-obvious?
Are any of these reasons surprising?
Are there other reasons that people talk in groups?

Tags: how to talk, group discussions, talking tips, quiet, nervous, career advice, HP

Please feel free to leave a URL in your comments.

Do any of these situations sound familiar to you? You’re in a group discussion and …

• At the end of the discussion you realize that you only said one or two things or you did not speak at all.
• You have some thoughts that are relevant to the conversation, but you think they are not important to say to the group.
• You have an interesting or relevant point, but you decide that you will talk to someone about it later in a one-on-one conversation.
• You have something you would like to say, but you’re a little shy or nervous about saying it or you don’t know how to interject in the lively fast-paced discussion, so you end up not saying it.
• You have something you want to say, but there are one or two talkative people powering the conversation and you can’t figure out how to get a word in edgewise.
• You don’t say a thing. Then, you walk away from the discussion thinking that it was useless or a waste of time.
• You are in a group discussion and you know that one person in the group knows a lot about the topic, but he/she is quiet and shy and can’t get into the conversation.

I’d like to write a few posts on How To Talk in Groups. This series is dedicated to the quiet people- those who listen more than they talk; those who have lots of interesting thoughts but don’t get many chances to share them.

But before I get too far, I’d like to get your inputs. If you’re a quiet person, please let me know your thoughts on talking in groups. You can type them in as comments since typing is easier than talking!

What are your experiences with talking in groups?
Do you think it’s important to be able to talk in groups?
Do you find it easy or hard to do? Why?
What makes it easy? What makes it hard?
What makes you nervous? What do you find painful?
What would you like to be better at?

Tags: how to talk, group discussions, talking tips, quiet, nervous, career advice, HP

Please feel free to leave a URL in your comments.

In general, my schedule tends to be pretty busy. But I have to say, the last month has been even more hectic than usual. Here’s a glimpse into my life…

• April 2-3: Palo Alto- Lab offsite
• April 4: San Francisco- HP Gaming summit
• April 5-6: Palo Alto- In office
• April 7-8: Palo Alto- Home for the weekend
• April 9-11: Japan- HP Labs Japan Review, Dick’s retirement party in Japan, 2 customer visits
• April 11-14: Hawaii- Vacation
• April 15-16: Hawaii- ICASSP Conference
• April 17-18: Palo Alto- HP Labs CTO review, Interview new boss
• April 19-20: Hawaii- ICASSP Conference
• April 21-22: Palo Alto- Home for weekend
• April 23-27: San Jose- International JPEG/MPEG meeting (but I got to sleep in my own bed!)
• April 28-May 2: Korea- Family vacation
• May 3-May 4: Palo Alto- In office.
• May 5-May 6: New York City- Quick vacation for a friend’s bridal party
• May 7: Palo Alto- In office.
• May 7-May 11: China- HP Mobility Summit
• May 12: Palo Alto
• … and so on and so on and so on…

A few notes:

• I already have more than 80,000 miles this year. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
• Work hard. Play hard. Notice that there is a lot of work travel, but there is also a good bit of personal travel mixed in. So, I can’t complain.
• Someone asked how I handle traveling so much. I told them that I view getting on an airplane like getting in my car. It’s all in your attitude.
• Someone asked how I handle changing time zones. One thing is that when you change time zones so much, your body has no clock. So, changing time zones actually gets easier. Fortunately, I can sleep anywhere and anytime.

Here’s a funny story… For various reasons, part of my travel itinerary looked like this:

1. SFO-NRT (Narita, Japan)
2. NRT-HNL (Honolulu, Hawaii)
3. HNL-SFO (San Francisco)
4. SFO-HNL
5. HNL-SFO

The airline saw that there were two HNL-SFO segments. They assumed it was a mistake and they decided to cancel leg 3 without asking! The plane was fully booked and I didn’t have a seat, but fortunately I am a 100K flyer so they made space for me after they realized their mistake. As I waited in the airport lobby, I heard them make an announcement asking for “one volunteer to give up their seat and stay an extra night in Hawaii in exchange for a $600 voucher”. I slouched in my chair hoping noone knew it was because of me. Fortunately, someone volunteered and was happy to accept the offer!

Finally, here’s a breakdown of the Japan-Hawaii trip in more detail.

• Mon afternoon: Fly from San Francisco to Japan.
• Tues evening: Arrive in Narita. Transport to Tokyo.
• Tues night: Attend Dick’s retirement party w/ special guests.
• Wed breakfast: Meet head of HP Japan.
• Wed morning: Visit HP Labs Japan team for review.
• Wed afternoon: Visit HP customer/partner 1.
• Wed afternoon: Visit HP customer/partner 2.
• Wed evening: Fly from Japan to Honolulu.
• Wed morning: Arrive in Honolulu at 6am.
• Wed morning: Go to beach while waiting for hotel room to be available and friend to arrive.
• Wed-Sun: Vacation! Start my “Blogging on the Beach” series.
• Sun night: Run through practice talks with 2 students.
• Mon morning: Provide moral support for student presentation (Best student paper award finalist!).
• Mon night: Fly from Honolulu to San Francisco.
• Tues morning: Arrive in San Francisco at 6am.
• Tues all day: Attend & present at HP Labs review for Shane & CTOs.
• Wed morning: Interview my future boss.
• Wed afternoon: Fly from San Francisco to Honolulu.
• Thur morning: Provide moral support for my 2 students’ presentations.
• Thur-Fri: Attend conference.
• Fri 5-6pm: Surf!
• Sat morning: Fly from Honolulu to San Francisco.
• Sat afternoon: Arrive in San Francisco at 3:30pm.
• Sat evening: Meet possible home designer at 5pm.

It’s amazing how much you can get done when you put your mind to it!

By the way, I don’t recommend this for everyone and I don’t recommend it for long periods of time, as it’s probably not sustainable. But sometimes you have to do what you have to do.

What are your thoughts on hectic schedules?

What have your most hectic days or weeks or months looked like?  What are your tricks for handling it?

Tags: travel, time management, hectic schedule, changing time zones, work hard, play hard, HP

Please feel free to leave a URL in your comments.